04 September 2019, 5:55 AM
Living with domestic and sexual violence as a young man and questioning why it was happening was the start of Scott Harrower’s journey of sorting it out. Scott, who identifies as a gay man, is one of the panelists speaking at the Sorting it Out community forum on September 11 in Lismore.Hosted by ACON Northern Rivers, the forum is now open for registrations to gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men who have sex with men. The forum will discuss gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men’s relationships and sex and launch the research report Sorting It Out.Today, as an educator and artist, Scott wants to help people begin their own journey of becoming empowered to seek help and talk about their experiences of sexual or domestic violence. “There’s a lack of strong role models in the LGBTQI (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Intersex) community,” Scott told The Lismore App.Scott said looking at his experience of sexual abuse as a child was the beginning of journey of “unpacking the baggage” he’d been carrying around with him all his life.“What happens to us as children will stay with us until we question it,” Scott said. “My early experiences affected my confidence and self-esteem and I then looked for love and respect from people who didn’t have my best interests at heart.“Once we start asking ‘why am I going here?’, we can look at our early memories and acknowledge them - the patterns will repeat if we don’t look at them.”At the age of 22, Scott fell in love with an older man who was violent and manipulative.“It connected to my early conditioning - how I looked at love and respect and valued myself.“I became isolated and cut off from my friends, living a life living in fear of my partner giving more violence. It’s a common theme in abusive relationships.“But I was young and inquisitive enough to wonder who I was - and I questioned it.“Domestic violence goes beyond the physical effects – it is emotional and psychological too. “And there are triggers for it and so much grief and trauma.”Scott said one night, he fled from the house and sought help from a neighbour saying his partner wanted to kill him - but the neighbour didn’t want to help.“Regardless of race, gender or sexuality, domestic and family violence is something we don’t discuss in our communities,” Scott said. “Tackling it requires a whole of community response and if people see a friend is not coping, they need to ask questions, don’t deny it - and get involved.”From a young age, Scott said he’d spoken out about what had happened, trying to bridge the gap between generations.He became involved with help groups, where he found himself surrounded by women in violent relationships. “It was an interesting time in Queensland in the 90s and homophobia was rife," Scott said. "I was denied Legal Aid help and police assistance and there was a general homophobic response to domestic violence relationships.”Scott wants to see a call to action to bring more awareness the issues of domestic and sexual violence within the “marginalised” gay community.“Research shows it is just as prevalent in the gay community as any other,” Scott said.“in Australia, we did have a plebiscite on gay marriage and equality, but it hasn’t changed the statistics of community discrimination against gay people. We want equality and a civil society.“No-one deserves to be treated in a violent manner. “Unfortunately, domestic violence happens again and again, regardless of the partner saying it won’t.“For the person who is subjected to violence – it’s not their fault. Even when they are told ‘you upset me, you made me like this’.“People who are violent are able to control their violence in other situations. One of the things that keeps people in these relationships is feeling that it’s their fault.“We should be able to be in relationships that validate love and support us, and shame can keep people from speaking out.Scott wants anyone in a domestic or sexually violent relationship who feels unsafe to seek help.“Tell someone you trust and ask for help. “It takes only one phone call – you can call the help line 1800 respect, or ACON has a range of services for LGBTQI people in relationships.“Research shows people make up to six attempts to escape but they keep going back. Maybe it’s because there are kids, pets or not feeling as though you will be believed. “The key drivers of violence are patriarchy and gender inequality, power and control. One of the key drivers is financial disparity between partners.“It’s happening right now someone is being abused. Don’t let it happen to you. “Say ‘no – I’ve been here and I don’t want to again - and choose to leave.“We all deserve to be in safe relationships.“Shame can be soul destroying and can stop us speaking out. If we can take ownership of our experiences, shame dissipates.“For me, my ongoing survival was about acceptance of my own truth – that what happened to me as a child was not a fairy tale – it was real. “We are affected by life, but what happened made me strong and determined not to be in denial of it.Scott urges anyone who is in need of help to come along to the Sorting it Out community forum.“Even if it’s your first point of contact,” he said. “Listen to the statistics and learn that you are part of the bigger picture - break the isolationFor more information about the forum, visit FacebookAbout the Sorting it Out community forum:The forum is on September 11, at 5.30pm at Flock Espresso and Eats, 49 Woodlark Street, Lismore.The forum will run for 2 hours, with food and entertainment following.This forum is only open to gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men who have sex with men. Men who take part in the forum will be reimbursed with a $50 voucher for their time. There are limited spots available at the forum and registration is essential.To register, visit http://sayitoutloud.org.au/sorting-it-out/About the Sorting it Out report:In 2018 ACON commissioned researchers from the Western Sydney University to undertake research on gay, bisexual, transgender and queer (GBTQ) men’s attitudes and experiences of intimate partner violence and sexual assault.The research, titled Sorting It Out, is focused on GBTQ men who have sex and relationships with men.Sorting It Out is the largest Australian study looking specifically at this topic, with 895 GBTQ-identifying men participating in this research.Sorting It Out highlighted issues such as:• Almost two thirds of men who took part in the study indicated that they had been in an unhealthy or abusive relationship in the past.• Half of respondents agreed that sexual coercion and pressure are common amongst GBTQ men.• Younger men were more accepting of some controlling behaviours than older men.• GBTQ men want healthy and safe relationships for themselves, their friends and community, and are certain about the illegality and unacceptability of sexual assault and domestic violence.If you can’t make the community forum but would like to provide your thoughts on the research you can contribute online at: http://sayitoutloud.org.au/sorting-it-out/